Santa Claus wo Koroshita. Soshite, Kiss wo Shita ch 1 part 3

With this, ch 1 is over. I think I’ll split ch 2 into 4 parts, even so each parts will be longer than the one from ch 1.

1-3. Even just breathing makes me feel sad (Part 3)

It was more like a recollection than a dream, and it was about the memory of that day.

My senior smoked a cigarette on the bed and had a sad expression on her face. A slender body that hugged me many times, wearing only underwear. She exhaled deeply. And cigarette smoke that came out from her mouth makes a thin line like a contrail, but it disappears instantly. She wasn’t laughing anymore. Only then did I realize that this relationship was over.

At that time, it was still summer. There is a shrine just behind the 1DK apartment where my seniors live, so I could always hear the sounds of birds and insects, and on that day I was eating chilled Chinese Noodles while listening to the cicadas singing at night. The noodles that you can found anywhere are topped with finely chopped cucumbers, broth eggs, and ham. My senior often made it so that I could eat it when I lost my appetite in the summer.

Seeing me who had eaten everything, she says,

“Yes, boys have to eat a lot.”

My senior treated me like a child. In fact, I think that I, a college student, is just like a child to her, who’s already working. After a year of dating my senior, I realized that many times. She’s probably had so much life experience that it can’t even compared to mine, and it was also in love experience. Her way of drinking wine calmly at the restaurant and her gestures when she first went to bed, told me that.

When we weren’t in relationship yet, I could see a magazine that I didn’t think was something that she like, was placed in her room. She always said that she didn’t want to go to the Red Brick Warehouse in Yokohama, and when in the end we first visited the place,

“When I came here before, it’s…..”

She started saying her past. And every time she said that kind of thing, I just can’t stand it.

When I think about it, it was a year when I keep thinking about how to be the number one in her heart. How can I not be thrown away by her? And the days when I keep having such worries come to an end.

When I touched my senior’s skin on the bed, she slowly shook her head and removed the blanket. After fixing her underwear, she sits near the edge of the bed. Then she swing her legs. She look like a girl on a swing in the park at dusk, not wanting to go home. I imagine that when I see my senior’s expression that seems to start crying at any moment.


Why do you look like that? I know, she always saying about her physical condition in this kind of moment, but the atmosphere now is clearly different from that time. I waited for words to come out from her. But, there was only silence. For no reason, I throw the unused condom in my pocket into the trash can and looking around the room. I see a bookshelf containing an overseas science fiction novel and a BUMP CD, the ice cream cups that we just ate together on top of the table, my rucksack in the corner, a small TV, a game console bought by us, a small white sofa. It was a year ago that I first came to this room where I could feel a sense of life. I went to my senior’s room more often than my senior came to my room. My senior’s room was deep engraved in my heart that I almost said “I’m home” rather than “I’ll bother you”.

My senior still quiet on the bed. Oh yeah, when I realized that this was a farewell, my senior finally opened her mouth.

“Hey, how long did you believe in Santa Claus?”

“… Santa Claus?”

“Yes, Santa Claus…. you don’t remember?”

When I just keep silent,

“I see.”

My senior muttered that. Then she continue to speak.

“I don’t remember the time clearly, but when I look back at my diary, it seems that I believed until I was in the 4th grade of elementary school. It’s a little too long, isn’t it?”

I silently listened to the story of my senior. I don’t question what she’s talking about right now. I’m sure she’s telling a very important story now. We had been dating for a little over a year, so I could have guessed that much.

“But when I was in the third grade of elementary school, my uncle asked me, ‘What do you want for Christmas?’. At that time, I really wanted a big piano, but I thought that the Santa couldn’t buy it for me, so I said that I wanted a small piano.”

“But, at that time, senior believed in Santa Claus, right?”

“Yeah. There’s a time when my friend told me that there was no Santa Claus, but then I cried and argued with him.”

My senior shrugs and then continues her words.

“I’m sure that real Santa Claus really exists in the world, but he didn’t come to me, so I feel like a pitiful kid…. No, maybe not. Even now. I know there must be Santa Claus in this world, but Santa Claus just doesn’t come to me. He doesn’t want to make me happy.”

“That’s… “

That’s not true, is what I’m trying to say, but I stopped. As expected, I still don’t know much about senior.

Then she exhales longer, while holding the cigarette between her index finger and thumb, and removing the ashes with her middle finger.

“Hey, since we start dating, a lot of things had happened.”

“Please stop….”

I heard a voice that surprisingly piercing my heart. I was upset by that and I was crying without knowing it myself.

“… Did senior, start to hate me?”

“I don’t hate you. You know that I don’t like you so much in the first place, right?”

“Then, why?”

A deep breath leaks.

“Why do you say something like this so sudden?”

“For a long time, Even just breathing makes me feel sad.”

Then she reached for the second cigarette. While igniting with a silver Zippo, she prefaced, “Just that I never admit it.”.

“I’m sure you can say that you like me because I say that I don’t like you.”


What are you talking about, is what I’m going to say so strongly.

How much have you thought, I’ve been thinking about you since I met you in that park? Think this, when you see the shadow of someone that you’ve ever liked, that person expression and gesture, from far way, how much pain and jealousy you will feel at that moment? However, when I saw the expression of my senior, all the words I tried to say went somewhere.

She wasn’t laughing anymore. I can’t remember the last time she laughed at me. For a long time, she herself hadn’t noticed that she wasn’t laughing anymore.

And, I finally realized that, yeah, this relationship was over.


Santa Claus wo Koroshita. Soshite, Kiss wo Shita ch 1 part 2

I said that this will be updated in 3-4 days, but yeah, since I finished editing it faster than I thought, Here it goes.

1-2. Even just breathing makes me sad (part 2)

“Well, criminal. It’s night already, so it’s too late to talk in detail about the cooperation, so please send me back for now.”

Cooperation? I didn’t think it could be called that, but I reluctantly nodded that I understood.

“So, where is your house?”

“What are you talking about? we’re going to your house, you know.”

“… What? My house? No way…”

Leaving me, who’s still not moving, behind. The girl goes on to the bus stop. I sighed with less irritation and sprinted to catch up with her.

“Hey, if you don’t have the money, I’ll lend you, so please, just take a taxi to go Home or stay at an Internet Cafe.”
[TN : Well, A lot of internet Cafe in japan has a private room, so a lot people using it to sleep overnight if they missed the last train to go back home.]

“I don’t want to.”

And she blatantly refused my offer.

“I didn’t ask whether you want it or not…”

The girl staring at me. I’m shaking my head as fast as I could. Who knows, maybe I might get kicked again. Besides, I have a weakness with her. So, I thought it would be wise not to not go against her.

On the way to the apartment, I made her wear the down coat I was wearing. You see, if I’ve been seen walking with a girl in uniform, I might be questioned by a police.

“I’m having a situation where I can’t go home for a while now.”

“Then you should stay at your friend’s house.”

“I hate it, and anyway I don’t have any friends.”

“If you had that kind of personality, I guess so.”

I could see that she put more effort into her hand that holding her school bag. She shakes it at my belly in a batting manner. It’s not that I can’t respond to it but the shock straight ran to my upper body. Is there a book inside? I had no choice but to crouch on the spot because of the pain.

So, I apologize to her after coughing for a while.

“Okay, okay, it was my fault.”

“Yes, it’s your fault. Please reflect.”

There is a slight anger in the plain tone. I sighed in a low voice that the girl couldn’t hear it.

After that, I walked silently, and after a while I stopped in front of one apartment.

“We’ve arrived,”

And when she saw me climb the stairs in the old apartment,

“Well, I wasn’t expecting much from the start.”

The girl sighed behind me.

Standing in front of a room, I tries to take the key from my wallet in my pocket. However, my hands are numb and it could only be moved slowly.

“You should do it faster, unless you want to be seen by someone when I’m coming in.”

“I know.”

I insert the key and open the door. From the door, I could see garbage that I left in the kitchen. And a smells strange came from nowhere. Pink mold grows in the bath, and the room is full of laundry, pet bottles and empty lunch boxes.

After the girl confirming that the toilet was dirty,

“I withdraw my previous statement.”

She sighed while saying that.

“Hmm, is it that ‘Please reflect’?”

“No, it’s the ‘I wasn’t expecting much from the start’…… I didn’t think it was so dirty.”

“At this time, you still have the last train.”

“Okay. So, shall I go to your favorite senior’s house with this notebook? I think her new boyfriend will be with her by now.”

” … “

Seeing me shut my mouth, the girl snorted and took the deodorant spray out of her school bag.

When she finished sprinkling it all over the room, she slipped into my bed before I could stopped her.

“Hey, it’s my bed.”

“If you get closer, you’ll be charged not only for the preliminary murder, but also for the crime of raping a minor.”

While being accused like that, the girl fell asleep while facing the wall, and saying that she wouldn’t speak anymore.

And me, who’s being left alone, sat on the sofa without saying anything. When I see a girl who doesn’t move under the blanket, I wonder why all of this happened. To be honest, I didn’t want to bring her up to my room. If that uniform isn’t a cosplay, she’s really just a minor. What I was doing right now was kidnapping from other people point of view.

Still, the girl has my notebook. It was too careless of me to dropped it. It’s so stupid that I could be threatened by a high school girl because of that.

I sigh and stand up. I’m hungry. I think I’ll eat anything to change my mood.

I go to the fridge and look for something. However, the only things that could be called solid things in the refrigerator were seasonings, discolored onions, and a salad that was opened more than three days ago. Even if I look at the shelves, there is nothing that seems could satisfy my hunger.

I sigh a few times today, saying I’m so unlucky today. I couldn’t help it, in the end I took out a can of beer that was lying in the back of the refrigerator. There is a girl in the living room, so I stand in front of the ventilation fan in the kitchen and drink it. I was a little hungry, but I felt sick because my stomach became hot with alcohol.

When I finished drinking, I used the can as an ashtray and smoked. While exhaling smoke towards the ventilator, I remember just an hour ago.

“Let’s erase ‘Christmas’, huh….”

After muttering so, I mocked myself and laughed with my nose. It’s just too ridiculous.

When I returned to the living room, the girl seemed to be sleeping with her school bag. Is my notebook in that? When I was wondering if I could take it back now, Then the girl twist her body and turn over from her position, and I met the girl’ eye.

“Don’t think that you can take it back now.”

“…I’m sorry, but I’ve already thought that I can’t.”

I give up and lie down on the sofa. After confirming that I was doing nothing, the girl returned to her original position and closed her eyes.

Well, I also close my eyes as to think what to do.

Then, I immediately felt that my thoughts became unpleasant. I was a little surprised to find it drowsy. Ever since I broke up with my seniors, I’ve been forced to sleep even though I haven’t been sleepy. It’s been a long time since I felt pure drowsiness.

Apparently, having someone read that notebook was doing more damage than I had imagined.

I sleep while thinking that today was the worst day.

But, well, only on these days, it seems that you’ll have the worst dreams too.


Santa Claus wo Koroshita. Soshite, Kiss wo Shita ch 1 part 1

I don’t know if you guys like a 1 vol LN (yeah, it the story that finished within 1 volume)
I’ll see, whether the one who want to read this a lot or not, and will decide whether to continue until the end or not. I’ll release the next part every, 3-4 days.

this LN Cover is

Santa Claus wo Koroshita

1-1. Even just breathing makes me sad (part 1)

I wish that ‘Christmas’ just disappeared already. I muttered so, because I saw the illuminations in front of the station. Christmas is still more than three weeks away, but the city is already preparing for it. The tree that shines in the center of the station terminal give the feel of Christmas. The boulevard is decorated with lights and shines brightly. And, I stood on the deck in front of the station and looked at it while leaning against the fence.
[TN: so the light display across the city, in Japan, They called it Illuminations]

I wonder where this money comes from. The deeply exhaled breath that came out from my nose turned white because of the cold, and it struck at the tip of my nose.

It will be more beautiful on Christmas day. The city will be full of lovers, Christmas songs are played from nowhere, and the world will be wrapped in happiness. Damn it, I think. Actually, I was supposed to see that scene with my senior.

“You say you like me, but I’m sure it’s not true. That’s sad, but I understand why.”

That day, my senior who I had been dating for over a year told me so. She wore only underwear on the bed, squinted while smoking a cigarette and said, “Thank you so far.”, while smiling.

I understood that whatever I said from that moment will be useless. Knowing that my seniors’ paths and mine would not overlap anymore, I feel something close to despair, but there are still no denial words came out from my mouth, The only thing I could do just to strongly hope that it was just a dream.

On the last day, my senior gently stroked my head while leaving the room. “Let’s do our best”, is what she said. I’ve been thinking about the meaning of the word, but I have no idea what I should do my best for or what’s ahead of me.

“I wish that ‘Christmas’ just disappeared already”,

Is what I muttered to myself. A sigh-like word just came out from my mouth. And to that words, I never thought there would be a voice coming back answering it.

“You can do it. You can make ‘Christmas’ gone.”

It was a girl’s voice. It was from the back. I hurriedly turned to the voice. “There was a high school girl there …. No, I don’t know if she was actually a high school girl or not. But under a dark blue coat, she wore a blazer of the same color, and white blouse. And, a tartan check skirt. She had a short bob’s black hair trimmed above her shoulders and her facial features looked young. She also had a school bag in her hands.

Except for the fact that she was out at this kind of time and talked to college students like me, most likely, she was really a high school girl.

“You can make ‘Christmas’ gone. You can do it.”

The girl said again in a plain voice with almost no intonation.


I think I had a very silly face right now. Is this some prank? to someone like me who is not even a celebrity? Then, is this some kind of a ‘Badger Game’? But still, “You can make ‘Christmas’ gone” is sound a little bit crazy.

Anyway, I decided not to get involved further, so I pretended not to notice the girl and tried to leave.

“Wait, criminal.”

She stopped me as soon as I stepped down to the pedestrian bridge. Criminal. When I heard the words, I felt the blood drain from my face. I’ve the illusion that the pores of my whole body just opened. I looked back fearfully and opened my eyes. The girl in uniform had a green notebook. A notebook that could be seen everywhere. Even so.

“This, I read it.”

As I thought. I’m convinced when I see the girl’s contempt and face. That notebook is mine.

The moment I steps towards the girl in a hurry to take it back,

“Don’t move.”,

is what she said to hold me back.

“If you try to take it back forcibly, I’ll scream even if you’re not a molester.”

“…You, have a good personality, huh.” (Sarcastic tone)

“Did you fall in love with me?”

The girl says that without caring about my irony. I sigh and shake my head.

“To someone who steal people’s things without permission. I can’t come to like a criminal like that.”

“What are you talking about? The criminal is not me, it’s you.”

The girl flips through the notebook as if to show me.

“Who do you think it would be interesting to give this to, huh, criminal?”

The girl shouts with a cruel smile.

“Police? Your parents? Or….. to your favorite senior?”

“Okay, okay, I understand…”

I raise both hands to surrender.

“What do you want… I’m just a traumatized and depressed college student. I’m a feminine man with no money and no abilities. You only threatening for nothing, you know.”

“Isn’t it too sad to say like that?”

The girl sighed as if she was amazed.

“You said it earlier. Your wish is to make ‘Christmas’ disappeared, right?”

It’s that again.

“You, have you lost your mind?”

When I said so from the bottom of my heart, the girl approached me silently. Before saying anything, she kicked my ‘history’ will all her might.


I couldn’t stand the attack that I couldn’t imagine it coming from the girl’s delicate body, and I crouched on the spot. Even when I tried to stand up, the place where I was kicked was numb and I couldn’t stand up for a while.

“Hey criminal. It’s up to me whether you’ll live or die.”

The girl crouches in front of me. And grabbed my hair.

“Be careful with your words, okay?”

Seeing the girl laughing while saying that, I thought I was in trouble at this time.

Actually, from now until Christmas, I will be in trouble many times. Just that I still don’t know about it yet. It can’t be helped because I didn’t know the power that the girl have at that moment.

Twenty-three days left until the holy night. That was the beginning.

But, I’m sure everything was too late now.